Haaaaave you met Riverdale?

In case you haven’t heard, a new show just debuted on the CW block and it’s from the mind that brought you Arrow and The Flash, Mr. Greg Berlanti. If you are anything like me, you’ve been curious about this show since the ballyhooing began way, way back in 2015. Ahhhh, simpler times that 2015… But I digress.

Riverdale finally arrived last night, and it’s every bit as CW-ey as you could expect from the Young Pretty People Network™. Most bipeds with that sinewy grey processor we call a brain probably could have anticipated that. What you might not have seen coming was the choice to set Archie and his gang smack dab in the middle of a murder mystery. Don’t worry, though—from the looks of the reviews, a lot of people didn’t.

I’m not here to poo-poo the show. If Berlanti attaches his name to any project at this point, it gets my attention. Riverdale included. If you are even remotely interested about the show, try a few episodes and see if it grabs you. What I’d rather do is poke a little fun at every single critical review of the show so far. If you’ve read more than one review about Riverdale at this point, you likely noticed a few common themes. If you have not perused one by now, please allow me me save you some time. Here’s every Riverdale review condensed into one pithy review:

How about that new Archie show, eh? It’s like a SEXY Twin Peaks and features a cast of sexy, sexy 20-somethings. All your favorites are there, but darker and grittier:

  • Archie (magically turned sexy over the summer after sprouting a six-pack)arc
  • Betty (repressed perfect girl next door who doesn’t know she’s sexy)

betty2

  • Veronica (the new girl in town who’s surprisingly nice, rich and sexy)

veronica

  • Kevin (Betty’s super cute and TOTES ADORBS son of a sherrif, sexy gay best friend)

kk

  • Josie and the Pussycats (now black and a sassy kind of sexy)

jos.gif

  • Cheryl (the bitchy, sexy redhead who wants Archie and has a vendetta against blonde Betty)

crd

  • Jughead (the Cole half of the Sprouse twins doing his broody/emo thing, with a little sexy smoldering to boot)

jug

  • And the rest!

It’s got everything: intrigue (sexy), murder (soooooo sexy), and sexy parents with sexy, yet complicated dating histories. There’s even student-teacher flings. Did I mention it was “SEXY”?!? #ArchieIsGinger #GingerIsTheNewSexy #SexyIsAsSexyDoes

Welcome to Riverdale! I’m probably gonna watch every week.

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