176 Better Titles for the New Jack Reacher Movie

Advance warning: Today I’m suffering from severe ennui, so take this entire post as complete sarcasm…


Last weekend, I experienced Jack Reacher: Never Go Back in all its averagey averageness. The movie is not bad by any means; it’s just nothing special. What kills me the most is that I know there’s a better movie in here than what we got. It features some legitimately cool moments peppered throughout the film (like the instance where Jack, Babe Ruth style, calls his shot about breaking a guy’s bones three scenes before it happens), but in the end, these flirtations with greatness only served to remind me of the movie I wished we got.

This brings me to my chief complaint: “Never Go Back” is a weak AF subtitle. In fact, the realization that almost every other line of dialogue made for a better subtitle was the only thing that kept me focused on what actually happened from scene to scene. I’ve been stewing over this thought for the last week now and finally reached the tipping point where it needs to vacate my brain if I want to continue being functional. It is my fervent belief that if Paramount had chosen ANY of the alternate titles below (90% of which come straight from the film’s own dialogue) it would have made this movie at least 12% better. But I digress…

Presenting 176 better titles for the second Jack Reacher, (Note: one could argue that this list contains spoilers  since so many of these options come directly from the movie’s own script):

  1. Jack Reacher: Ex-Major
  2. Jack Reacher: Back to New Orleans
  3. Jack Reacher: Daddy’s Home
  4. Jack Reacher: Are Any of These Things Connected?
  5. Jack Reacher: Dude, Where’s My Black Sedan
  6. Jack Reacher: Prudhomme’s Junkie
  7. Jack Reacher: Go Go Go!!!
  8. Jack Reacher: Shut Up
  9. Jack Reacher: Public Safety Exception
  10. Jack Reacher: Enhanced Interrogation
  11. Jack Reacher: In Confidence
  12. Jack Reacher: Still Got Your Number
  13. Jack Reacher: Of Course You Did
  14. Jack Reacher: If It Were Up To Me, I’d Just Kill You
  15. Jack Reacher: The Guy You Didn’t Count On
  16. Jack Reacher: How Long Are We Supposed to Do This?
  17. Jack Reacher: Plate Breakers
  18. Jack Reacher: Never Do That Again
  19. Jack Reacher: The Less You Know, The Better
  20. Jack Reacher 2: Why?
  21. Jack Reacher: They Think You’re My Daughter
  22. Jack Reacher: Something Feral
  23. Jack Reacher: Narc… Maybe
  24. Jack Reacher: It’s the Haircut
  25. Jack Reacher Goes Cajun
  26. Jack Reacher: Para Source
  27. Jack Reacher: Following Me Since I Got Here
  28. Jack Reacher: The Man who Calls
  29. Jack Reacher: You’re Not Saying Anything
  30. Jack Reacher 2: Kick It Over Here
  31. Jack Reacher: Don’t Make This a Competition
  32. Jack Reacher: It’s Just Gonna Keep On Ringing
  33. Jack Reacher: Not His Finest Hour
  34. Jack Reacher: Timelapse Memories
  35. Jack Reacher: Don’t Make Me Regret It
  36. Jack Reacher: Dinner’s Off
  37. Jack Reacher: Always Follow Orders
  38. Jack Reacher: Paternity Suit
  39. Jack Reacher: He’ll Get There Eventually
  40. Jack Reacher: Stop That Food Truck
  41. Jack Reacher: You Have No Idea
  42. Jack Reacher: Stand Down
  43. Jack Reacher: I’m Not A Father
  44. Jack Reacher: Don’t Hold Your Breath
  45. Jack Reacher: Act Angry
  46. Jack Reacher: Worry, Just A Little
  47. Jack Reacher: You Know Who I Am
  48. Jack Reacher: We Don’t Have Time for This
  49. Jack Reacher: Why’d I Do That?
  50. Jack Reacher: Dickhead
  51. Jack Reacher: No Time
  52. Jack Reacher: Birds Gotta Fly and Reachers Gotta Reach
  53. Jack Reacher: Go to Hell
  54. Jack Reacher’s Got Low Blood Sugar
  55. Jack Reacher: The Numbers Don’t Add Up
  56. Jack Reacher: Open It
  57. Jack Reacher: Not My Father
  58. Jack Reacher Gets Some Food
  59. Jack Reacher: I Can’t Eat
  60. Jack Reacher: Pumping Adrenaline
  61. Jack Reacher: We Got Our Signals Crossed
  62. Jack Reacher: Not The Army Way
  63. Jack Reacher: Definitely Not The Army Way
  64. Jack Reacher: Eat When You Want
  65. Jack Reacher: Conclusion Jumper
  66. Jack Reacher: Private Citizen
  67. Jack Reacher: Back to the Army
  68. Jack Reacher: I Don’t Have To Say Anything
  69. Jack Reacher: Chasing Maria Hill
  70. Jack Reacher: He Doesn’t Like Being Followed
  71. Jack Reacher: This is a Mistake
  72. Jack Reacher: Selling Secrets
  73. Jack Reacher: We’re Done Here
  74. Jack Reacher: Stay Back
  75. Jack Reacher: No Really, Stay Back
  76. Jack Reacher: Bloody Mess
  77. Jack Reacher: Thanks Reach
  78. Jack Reacher: It’s Complicated
  79. Jack Reacher: Steal This Car
  80. Jack Reacher: Very Intense
  81. Jack Reacher: Lose All Discipline
  82. Jack Reacher 2: How Would I Know?
  83. Jack Reacher: What Did You Give Him?
  84. Jack Reacher: Clean Up This Mess
  85. Jack Reacher: Not A Cop
  86. Jack Reacher: Kitchen Confidential
  87. Jack Reacher: You Sure You Recognize Her?
  88. Jack Reacher: How Do You Do
  89. Jack Reacher: Moving Around A Lot
  90. Jack Reacher: Nothing to Find
  91. Jack Reacher: Invulnerable
  92. Jack Reacher: Never Go Prudhomme Again
  93. Jack Reacher: Starving For Justice
  94. Jack Reacher: I’m Sorry About This
  95. Jack Reacher: Killing Isn’t Enough
  96. Jack Reacher: Come With Me If You Want To Live
  97. Jack Reacher: Hair Connoisseur
  98. Jack Reacher: That Was A Mistake
  99. Jack Reacher: You’re Gonna Beg
  100. Jack Reacher: Stop That Man
  101. Jack Reacher: Deep Breaths Son
  102. Jack Reacher: Now Empty
  103. Jack Reacher: Dinner Date
  104. Jack Reacher: Never Underestimate the Charm of a Seedy Motel
  105. Jack Reacher: Port of Call: New Orleans
  106. Jack Reacher: Keep Reaching
  107. Jack Reacher: Bring It Low
  108. Jack Reacher: Down In The Bayou
  109. Jack Reacher: Run This
  110. Jack Reacher: Anti-Authority
  111. Jack Reacher: Anti-Social
  112. Jack Reacher: Anti-Lawyer
  113. Jack Reacher: Deadbeat Dad
  114. Jack Reacher: Never Say Never Again
  115. Jack Reacher 2: That Was A Mistake
  116. Jack Reacher 2: What the Hell Happened Here?
  117. Jack Reacher: Once A Major, Always A Major
  118. Jack Reacher: Why Does He Get To Have a Phone?
  119. Jack Reacher: Reaching for Major Turner
  120. Jack Reacher: Pure Opium
  121. Jack Reacher: I Feel Sick
  122. Jack Reacher 2: You Sure About This?
  123. Jack Reacher: Framed For Murder
  124. Jack Reacher at the Costume Parade
  125. Jack Reacher: Pembrooke Changed My Life
  126. Jack Reacher: Just Reacher
  127. Jack Reacher: Now Open Those Crates Before I Grab You By Your Hairplugs and Bitchslap That Smug Look Off Your Face
  128. Jack Reacher: No Problem
  129. Jack Reacher: The Candy Chronicles
  130. Jack Reacher: A Junkie’s Word
  131. Jack Reacher: Break the Knee
  132. Jack Reacher: Dyre Straits (that’s not a typo; there’s a Fort Dyer in the movie)
  133. Jack Reacher: Cash Only
  134. Jack Reacher 2: The Full Reach-around
  135. Jack Reacher: Holster Your Weapon
  136. Jack Reacher: What Is Going On Here
  137. Jack Reacher: You’ve Been Warned
  138. Jack Reacher: Assume You’re Dead Already
  139. Jack Reacher: Cajun Chronicles
  140. Jack Reacher: Jump To A Conclusion Soldier
  141. Jack Reacher: Not Gonna Puke
  142. Jack Reacher: Do Your Goddamn Job
  143. Jack Reacher: Fugitive of the US Army
  144. Jack Reacher: You Little Shit
  145. Jack Reacher: Internet Café
  146. Jack Reacher: Sometimes I Get Lonely
  147. Jack Reacher: Jesus Christ?!?
  148. Jack Reacher: He’s Still In There
  149. Jack Reacher: No Middle Name
  150. Jack Reacher: Excuse Me?
  151. Jack Reacher: I Don’t Have a Kid
  152. Jack Reacher: Daddy Duty
  153. Jack Reacher: Just Gonna Go
  154. Jack Reacher: Locked Out
  155. Jack Reacher: Traitor To Your Country
  156. Jack Reacher: Two Things Are Gonna Happen
  157. Jack Reacher: Civilians Gotta Civil
  158. Jack Reacher: No Witnesses
  159. Jack Reacher: Gimme That Location
  160. Jack Reacher 2: Bourbon Streets of Rage
  161. Jack Reacher: Smell The Poppies
  162. Jack Reacher: Being Followed
  163. Jack Reacher: Life Sucks
  164. Jack Reacher: Stop Running, Start Hunting
  165. Jack Reacher: Not My Little Girl
  166. Jack Reacher: Never Hurt Before
  167. Jack Reacher: We Have To Go
  168. Jack Reacher: Walk Away Now
  169. Jack Reacher: Child Support
  170. Jack Reacher: Me Want Food
  171. Jack Reacher: Hard World
  172. Merkovitch and Cevelli are Dead
  173. Jack Reacher: Give Your Statement
  174. Jack Reacher: Opiate Dependancy Program
  175. Jack Reacher: All You Want Is Blood
  176. And last but not least… JACK REACHER: REACH FOR THE STARS — Note: this version of the film must include a dance break or montage set to the following song…

 

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