176 Better Titles for the New Jack Reacher Movie

Advance warning: Today I’m suffering from severe ennui, so take this entire post as complete sarcasm…

Last weekend, I experienced Jack Reacher: Never Go Back in all its averagey averageness. The movie is not bad by any means; it’s just nothing special. What kills me the most is that I know there’s a better movie in here than what we got. It features some legitimately cool moments peppered throughout the film (like the instance where Jack, Babe Ruth style, calls his shot about breaking a guy’s bones three scenes before it happens), but in the end, these flirtations with greatness only served to remind me of the movie I wished we got.

This brings me to my chief complaint: “Never Go Back” is a weak AF subtitle. In fact, the realization that almost every other line of dialogue made for a better subtitle was the only thing that kept me focused on what actually happened from scene to scene. I’ve been stewing over this thought for the last week now and finally reached the tipping point where it needs to vacate my brain if I want to continue being functional. It is my fervent belief that if Paramount had chosen ANY of the alternate titles below (90% of which come straight from the film’s own dialogue) it would have made this movie at least 12% better. But I digress…

Presenting 176 better titles for the second Jack Reacher, (Note: one could argue that this list contains spoilers since so many of these options come directly from the movie’s own script):

Jack Reacher: Ex-Major
Jack Reacher: Back to New Orleans
Jack Reacher: Daddy’s Home
Jack Reacher: Are Any of These Things Connected?
Jack Reacher: Dude, Where’s My Black Sedan
Jack Reacher: Prudhomme’s Junkie
Jack Reacher: Go Go Go!!!
Jack Reacher: Shut Up
Jack Reacher: Public Safety Exception
Jack Reacher: Enhanced Interrogation
Jack Reacher: In Confidence
Jack Reacher: Still Got Your Number
Jack Reacher: Of Course You Did
Jack Reacher: If It Were Up To Me, I’d Just Kill You
Jack Reacher: The Guy You Didn’t Count On
Jack Reacher: How Long Are We Supposed to Do This?
Jack Reacher: Plate Breakers
Jack Reacher: Never Do That Again
Jack Reacher: The Less You Know, The Better
Jack Reacher 2: Why?
Jack Reacher: They Think You’re My Daughter
Jack Reacher: Something Feral
Jack Reacher: Narc… Maybe
Jack Reacher: It’s the Haircut
Jack Reacher Goes Cajun
Jack Reacher: Para Source
Jack Reacher: Following Me Since I Got Here
Jack Reacher: The Man who Calls
Jack Reacher: You’re Not Saying Anything
Jack Reacher 2: Kick It Over Here
Jack Reacher: Don’t Make This a Competition
Jack Reacher: It’s Just Gonna Keep On Ringing
Jack Reacher: Not His Finest Hour
Jack Reacher: Timelapse Memories
Jack Reacher: Don’t Make Me Regret It
Jack Reacher: Dinner’s Off
Jack Reacher: Always Follow Orders
Jack Reacher: Paternity Suit
Jack Reacher: He’ll Get There Eventually
Jack Reacher: Stop That Food Truck
Jack Reacher: You Have No Idea
Jack Reacher: Stand Down
Jack Reacher: I’m Not A Father
Jack Reacher: Don’t Hold Your Breath
Jack Reacher: Act Angry
Jack Reacher: Worry, Just A Little
Jack Reacher: You Know Who I Am
Jack Reacher: We Don’t Have Time for This
Jack Reacher: Why’d I Do That?
Jack Reacher: Dickhead
Jack Reacher: No Time
Jack Reacher: Birds Gotta Fly and Reachers Gotta Reach
Jack Reacher: Go to Hell
Jack Reacher’s Got Low Blood Sugar
Jack Reacher: The Numbers Don’t Add Up
Jack Reacher: Open It
Jack Reacher: Not My Father
Jack Reacher Gets Some Food
Jack Reacher: I Can’t Eat
Jack Reacher: Pumping Adrenaline
Jack Reacher: We Got Our Signals Crossed
Jack Reacher: Not The Army Way
Jack Reacher: Definitely Not The Army Way
Jack Reacher: Eat When You Want
Jack Reacher: Conclusion Jumper
Jack Reacher: Private Citizen
Jack Reacher: Back to the Army
Jack Reacher: I Don’t Have To Say Anything
Jack Reacher: Chasing Maria Hill
Jack Reacher: He Doesn’t Like Being Followed
Jack Reacher: This is a Mistake
Jack Reacher: Selling Secrets
Jack Reacher: We’re Done Here
Jack Reacher: Stay Back
Jack Reacher: No Really, Stay Back
Jack Reacher: Bloody Mess
Jack Reacher: Thanks Reach
Jack Reacher: It’s Complicated
Jack Reacher: Steal This Car
Jack Reacher: Very Intense
Jack Reacher: Lose All Discipline
Jack Reacher 2: How Would I Know?
Jack Reacher: What Did You Give Him?
Jack Reacher: Clean Up This Mess
Jack Reacher: Not A Cop
Jack Reacher: Kitchen Confidential
Jack Reacher: You Sure You Recognize Her?
Jack Reacher: How Do You Do
Jack Reacher: Moving Around A Lot
Jack Reacher: Nothing to Find
Jack Reacher: Invulnerable
Jack Reacher: Never Go Prudhomme Again
Jack Reacher: Starving For Justice
Jack Reacher: I’m Sorry About This
Jack Reacher: Killing Isn’t Enough
Jack Reacher: Come With Me If You Want To Live
Jack Reacher: Hair Connoisseur
Jack Reacher: That Was A Mistake
Jack Reacher: You’re Gonna Beg
Jack Reacher: Stop That Man
Jack Reacher: Deep Breaths Son
Jack Reacher: Now Empty
Jack Reacher: Dinner Date
Jack Reacher: Never Underestimate the Charm of a Seedy Motel
Jack Reacher: Port of Call: New Orleans
Jack Reacher: Keep Reaching
Jack Reacher: Bring It Low
Jack Reacher: Down In The Bayou
Jack Reacher: Run This
Jack Reacher: Anti-Authority
Jack Reacher: Anti-Social
Jack Reacher: Anti-Lawyer
Jack Reacher: Deadbeat Dad
Jack Reacher: Never Say Never Again
Jack Reacher 2: That Was A Mistake
Jack Reacher 2: What the Hell Happened Here?
Jack Reacher: Once A Major, Always A Major
Jack Reacher: Why Does He Get To Have a Phone?
Jack Reacher: Reaching for Major Turner
Jack Reacher: Pure Opium
Jack Reacher: I Feel Sick
Jack Reacher 2: You Sure About This?
Jack Reacher: Framed For Murder
Jack Reacher at the Costume Parade
Jack Reacher: Pembrooke Changed My Life
Jack Reacher: Just Reacher
Jack Reacher: Now Open Those Crates Before I Grab You By Your Hairplugs and Bitchslap That Smug Look Off Your Face
Jack Reacher: No Problem
Jack Reacher: The Candy Chronicles
Jack Reacher: A Junkie’s Word
Jack Reacher: Break the Knee
Jack Reacher: Dyre Straits (that’s not a typo; there’s a Fort Dyer in the movie)
Jack Reacher: Cash Only
Jack Reacher 2: The Full Reach-around
Jack Reacher: Holster Your Weapon
Jack Reacher: What Is Going On Here
Jack Reacher: You’ve Been Warned
Jack Reacher: Assume You’re Dead Already
Jack Reacher: Cajun Chronicles
Jack Reacher: Jump To A Conclusion Soldier
Jack Reacher: Not Gonna Puke
Jack Reacher: Do Your Goddamn Job
Jack Reacher: Fugitive of the US Army
Jack Reacher: You Little Shit
Jack Reacher: Internet Café
Jack Reacher: Sometimes I Get Lonely
Jack Reacher: Jesus Christ?!?
Jack Reacher: He’s Still In There
Jack Reacher: No Middle Name
Jack Reacher: Excuse Me?
Jack Reacher: I Don’t Have a Kid
Jack Reacher: Daddy Duty
Jack Reacher: Just Gonna Go
Jack Reacher: Locked Out
Jack Reacher: Traitor To Your Country
Jack Reacher: Two Things Are Gonna Happen
Jack Reacher: Civilians Gotta Civil
Jack Reacher: No Witnesses
Jack Reacher: Gimme That Location
Jack Reacher 2: Bourbon Streets of Rage
Jack Reacher: Smell The Poppies
Jack Reacher: Being Followed
Jack Reacher: Life Sucks
Jack Reacher: Stop Running, Start Hunting
Jack Reacher: Not My Little Girl
Jack Reacher: Never Hurt Before
Jack Reacher: We Have To Go
Jack Reacher: Walk Away Now
Jack Reacher: Child Support
Jack Reacher: Me Want Food
Jack Reacher: Hard World
Merkovitch and Cevelli are Dead
Jack Reacher: Give Your Statement
Jack Reacher: Opiate Dependancy Program
Jack Reacher: All You Want Is Blood
And last but not least… JACK REACHER: REACH FOR THE STARS — Note: this version of the film must include a dance break or montage set to the following song…