Advance warning: Today I’m suffering from severe ennui, so take this entire post as complete sarcasm…
Last weekend, I experienced Jack Reacher: Never Go Back in all its averagey averageness. The movie is not bad by any means; it’s just nothing special. What kills me the most is that I know there’s a better movie in here than what we got. It features some legitimately cool moments peppered throughout the film (like the instance where Jack, Babe Ruth style, calls his shot about breaking a guy’s bones three scenes before it happens), but in the end, these flirtations with greatness only served to remind me of the movie I wished we got.
This brings me to my chief complaint: “Never Go Back” is a weak AF subtitle. In fact, the realization that almost every other line of dialogue made for a better subtitle was the only thing that kept me focused on what actually happened from scene to scene. I’ve been stewing over this thought for the last week now and finally reached the tipping point where it needs to vacate my brain if I want to continue being functional. It is my fervent belief that if Paramount had chosen ANY of the alternate titles below (90% of which come straight from the film’s own dialogue) it would have made this movie at least 12% better. But I digress…
Presenting 176 better titles for the second Jack Reacher, (Note: one could argue that this list contains spoilers since so many of these options come directly from the movie’s own script):
- Jack Reacher: Ex-Major
- Jack Reacher: Back to New Orleans
- Jack Reacher: Daddy’s Home
- Jack Reacher: Are Any of These Things Connected?
- Jack Reacher: Dude, Where’s My Black Sedan
- Jack Reacher: Prudhomme’s Junkie
- Jack Reacher: Go Go Go!!!
- Jack Reacher: Shut Up
- Jack Reacher: Public Safety Exception
- Jack Reacher: Enhanced Interrogation
- Jack Reacher: In Confidence
- Jack Reacher: Still Got Your Number
- Jack Reacher: Of Course You Did
- Jack Reacher: If It Were Up To Me, I’d Just Kill You
- Jack Reacher: The Guy You Didn’t Count On
- Jack Reacher: How Long Are We Supposed to Do This?
- Jack Reacher: Plate Breakers
- Jack Reacher: Never Do That Again
- Jack Reacher: The Less You Know, The Better
- Jack Reacher 2: Why?
- Jack Reacher: They Think You’re My Daughter
- Jack Reacher: Something Feral
- Jack Reacher: Narc… Maybe
- Jack Reacher: It’s the Haircut
- Jack Reacher Goes Cajun
- Jack Reacher: Para Source
- Jack Reacher: Following Me Since I Got Here
- Jack Reacher: The Man who Calls
- Jack Reacher: You’re Not Saying Anything
- Jack Reacher 2: Kick It Over Here
- Jack Reacher: Don’t Make This a Competition
- Jack Reacher: It’s Just Gonna Keep On Ringing
- Jack Reacher: Not His Finest Hour
- Jack Reacher: Timelapse Memories
- Jack Reacher: Don’t Make Me Regret It
- Jack Reacher: Dinner’s Off
- Jack Reacher: Always Follow Orders
- Jack Reacher: Paternity Suit
- Jack Reacher: He’ll Get There Eventually
- Jack Reacher: Stop That Food Truck
- Jack Reacher: You Have No Idea
- Jack Reacher: Stand Down
- Jack Reacher: I’m Not A Father
- Jack Reacher: Don’t Hold Your Breath
- Jack Reacher: Act Angry
- Jack Reacher: Worry, Just A Little
- Jack Reacher: You Know Who I Am
- Jack Reacher: We Don’t Have Time for This
- Jack Reacher: Why’d I Do That?
- Jack Reacher: Dickhead
- Jack Reacher: No Time
- Jack Reacher: Birds Gotta Fly and Reachers Gotta Reach
- Jack Reacher: Go to Hell
- Jack Reacher’s Got Low Blood Sugar
- Jack Reacher: The Numbers Don’t Add Up
- Jack Reacher: Open It
- Jack Reacher: Not My Father
- Jack Reacher Gets Some Food
- Jack Reacher: I Can’t Eat
- Jack Reacher: Pumping Adrenaline
- Jack Reacher: We Got Our Signals Crossed
- Jack Reacher: Not The Army Way
- Jack Reacher: Definitely Not The Army Way
- Jack Reacher: Eat When You Want
- Jack Reacher: Conclusion Jumper
- Jack Reacher: Private Citizen
- Jack Reacher: Back to the Army
- Jack Reacher: I Don’t Have To Say Anything
- Jack Reacher: Chasing Maria Hill
- Jack Reacher: He Doesn’t Like Being Followed
- Jack Reacher: This is a Mistake
- Jack Reacher: Selling Secrets
- Jack Reacher: We’re Done Here
- Jack Reacher: Stay Back
- Jack Reacher: No Really, Stay Back
- Jack Reacher: Bloody Mess
- Jack Reacher: Thanks Reach
- Jack Reacher: It’s Complicated
- Jack Reacher: Steal This Car
- Jack Reacher: Very Intense
- Jack Reacher: Lose All Discipline
- Jack Reacher 2: How Would I Know?
- Jack Reacher: What Did You Give Him?
- Jack Reacher: Clean Up This Mess
- Jack Reacher: Not A Cop
- Jack Reacher: Kitchen Confidential
- Jack Reacher: You Sure You Recognize Her?
- Jack Reacher: How Do You Do
- Jack Reacher: Moving Around A Lot
- Jack Reacher: Nothing to Find
- Jack Reacher: Invulnerable
- Jack Reacher: Never Go Prudhomme Again
- Jack Reacher: Starving For Justice
- Jack Reacher: I’m Sorry About This
- Jack Reacher: Killing Isn’t Enough
- Jack Reacher: Come With Me If You Want To Live
- Jack Reacher: Hair Connoisseur
- Jack Reacher: That Was A Mistake
- Jack Reacher: You’re Gonna Beg
- Jack Reacher: Stop That Man
- Jack Reacher: Deep Breaths Son
- Jack Reacher: Now Empty
- Jack Reacher: Dinner Date
- Jack Reacher: Never Underestimate the Charm of a Seedy Motel
- Jack Reacher: Port of Call: New Orleans
- Jack Reacher: Keep Reaching
- Jack Reacher: Bring It Low
- Jack Reacher: Down In The Bayou
- Jack Reacher: Run This
- Jack Reacher: Anti-Authority
- Jack Reacher: Anti-Social
- Jack Reacher: Anti-Lawyer
- Jack Reacher: Deadbeat Dad
- Jack Reacher: Never Say Never Again
- Jack Reacher 2: That Was A Mistake
- Jack Reacher 2: What the Hell Happened Here?
- Jack Reacher: Once A Major, Always A Major
- Jack Reacher: Why Does He Get To Have a Phone?
- Jack Reacher: Reaching for Major Turner
- Jack Reacher: Pure Opium
- Jack Reacher: I Feel Sick
- Jack Reacher 2: You Sure About This?
- Jack Reacher: Framed For Murder
- Jack Reacher at the Costume Parade
- Jack Reacher: Pembrooke Changed My Life
- Jack Reacher: Just Reacher
- Jack Reacher: Now Open Those Crates Before I Grab You By Your Hairplugs and Bitchslap That Smug Look Off Your Face
- Jack Reacher: No Problem
- Jack Reacher: The Candy Chronicles
- Jack Reacher: A Junkie’s Word
- Jack Reacher: Break the Knee
- Jack Reacher: Dyre Straits (that’s not a typo; there’s a Fort Dyer in the movie)
- Jack Reacher: Cash Only
- Jack Reacher 2: The Full Reach-around
- Jack Reacher: Holster Your Weapon
- Jack Reacher: What Is Going On Here
- Jack Reacher: You’ve Been Warned
- Jack Reacher: Assume You’re Dead Already
- Jack Reacher: Cajun Chronicles
- Jack Reacher: Jump To A Conclusion Soldier
- Jack Reacher: Not Gonna Puke
- Jack Reacher: Do Your Goddamn Job
- Jack Reacher: Fugitive of the US Army
- Jack Reacher: You Little Shit
- Jack Reacher: Internet Café
- Jack Reacher: Sometimes I Get Lonely
- Jack Reacher: Jesus Christ?!?
- Jack Reacher: He’s Still In There
- Jack Reacher: No Middle Name
- Jack Reacher: Excuse Me?
- Jack Reacher: I Don’t Have a Kid
- Jack Reacher: Daddy Duty
- Jack Reacher: Just Gonna Go
- Jack Reacher: Locked Out
- Jack Reacher: Traitor To Your Country
- Jack Reacher: Two Things Are Gonna Happen
- Jack Reacher: Civilians Gotta Civil
- Jack Reacher: No Witnesses
- Jack Reacher: Gimme That Location
- Jack Reacher 2: Bourbon Streets of Rage
- Jack Reacher: Smell The Poppies
- Jack Reacher: Being Followed
- Jack Reacher: Life Sucks
- Jack Reacher: Stop Running, Start Hunting
- Jack Reacher: Not My Little Girl
- Jack Reacher: Never Hurt Before
- Jack Reacher: We Have To Go
- Jack Reacher: Walk Away Now
- Jack Reacher: Child Support
- Jack Reacher: Me Want Food
- Jack Reacher: Hard World
- Merkovitch and Cevelli are Dead
- Jack Reacher: Give Your Statement
- Jack Reacher: Opiate Dependancy Program
- Jack Reacher: All You Want Is Blood
- And last but not least… JACK REACHER: REACH FOR THE STARS — Note: this version of the film must include a dance break or montage set to the following song…
